DEAR FEAR

Dear fear, it hasn’t been long since you last showed. My heart beat out of my chest, on the verge of exploding. Tears stung as they started to spill over. My voice was lost but wanting to set itself free, a scream being torn from my throat.

The fear I had that I never realized. The time I took for granted was now sorely missed. I can vividly see that night, hear that phone call. Text flooding from my little sister’s half siblings and her father. Little did I know, while I was texting her asking “What’s going on? Why are they contacting me?”, that call to her father changed everything. That morning, my sister and I chatted about our plans for the day and how we needed to hang out again. We said we loved each other, to be safe, and talk to you later. Later never came again.

Fear, the way my heart raced dialing her father’s number. The whisper in his voice telling me “it’s your sister.” The panic in my voice, demanding over and over again “What happened to my baby sister!” The utter devastation hearing she has left us and endured the fear of a car accident, being struck and cut out of the car with the jaws of life.

What cruel irony that she didn’t have any left by the time they got to her. The fear of having to relay that news to my siblings, to our own mother who didn’t answer the phone until the next day. My brother who just had a NICU baby the day before and his girlfriend recovering from a c-section. Telling my other sister to come home from work and hearing her collapse over the phone. The uncertainty of when will my mother answer, what do I do next, why did they go to the mountains that day? All these questions yet I was unable to breathe, to think, to quiet my sobbing. I had to be strong and hold my siblings, figure out funeral preparations, and find our mother. What a sick joke,the oldest daughter having to find the mother. After grieving, anger, and hate, all I had was the fear of never seeing my beautiful sister again. She was my closest friend who asked to spend time with me. She never judged me or pushed me away for being different from our family. She was the light that stars are made of. My fear that I never knew was there, was losing the person I thought had forever left.

Dear fear, 18 was far too young. Just a few months after graduating high school was too soon. Her working two jobs just so she can leave her unstable home to be loved by more family was unjust. She deserved better. And at the end of it all, the question I’m left with that goes unanswered. How much fear was in her heart as a passenger who couldn’t control the situation? Dear fear, please spare her soul and let her smile care free now.