GETTING OLD IS HELL

Getting old is hell

said my Grandmother,
perhaps her closest lifetime brush with swearing.

Now I, too, can enumerate the levels of this hell
“It’s just a short walk” becomes never-ending,

critical joints are replaced with titanium
pain visits often, brings haunting ghosts of injuries past.

The circle of my friends grows ever smaller.
Yet a bright spot: smaller circles come ever closer.

The flow of viscous memory oozes in a cold molasses brain
even small children help me find the right word.

Grandmother has earned the last word on aging.
She had a stroke at the age of seventy-five.

Her doctor said, “Nellie, you won’t be able to walk again.”
She gave that a cursory thought, answered

“Don’t be silly.”

She went to work on it.
Then she walked.

PS. To the shared hell of the entire little town,
she also drove.

I think

of what bits of life can be left for someone
at the age of eighty-four
I think of rumors of romance in the nursing home
and shudder.
I think of stories I used to know and
I used to write
Shouldn’t I have more stories now?
I think—I try to think—of the elegant words I’ve used
or at minimum relevant words
when did they sneak away?

I think of the laughter at the family dinner table.
I think my family still laughs though I seldom
hear the joke.
I think of my pretense that
all is fine.
We all know the truth of it, but we all look away
and pretend.

I think about the quintessential grouchy old woman
who hides in my soul.
I think about the inevitable day when that old crank
escapes
seizes command.

I think about the day when everyone
discards me.

Kim McNealy Sosin is an author of poetry, memoir, and fiction, and a photographer of nature and travel. She has published written works and photographs in journals such as Raw Art Review, Fine Lines (poems and several cover photos), Failed Haiku, Verses from the Plains (several poems and cover design), Landscape Photography Magazine, The Heron’s Nest, The Good Life Review (poem and cover photo), Ekphrastic Review, and Sandcutters. Her chapbook Not Quite on Grand Avenue was published this year by Finishing Line Press. She is retired and lives in Omaha, NE with her cat, Allie.