GOLDFISH RACES ON A WEDNESDAY

I lost the cap to my toothbrush. The clear, plastic one that ‘protects’ it from getting germs on the bristles between brushes.

“My luck,” I said as I stared back at myself in the hotel bathroom mirror. It was the third night there. The hum of the bathroom fan was the only thing distracting me from my thoughts.

Thoughts. They hold a lot of weight over me sometimes, especially in this moment.

“Just have fun. Enjoy yourself,” I told myself.

This was at the surface where I could swim. I could tread lightly here—no fear of drowning. No fear of the pain that lives in my chest. The pain that swallows me and feels like my heart is in a knot. The kind when you tie the plastic grocery bag handles too tight and you can’t undo it no matter how hard you try.
I kept getting ready. I’d learned to do my makeup a lot better than I used to. My best friend Morgan taught me.

“Not too heavy, make it look natural,” I could hear her words in my head.

I never used to care about how I looked, but now I did. I’d been trying to find myself. I still am. Maybe if I make myself more pretty, someone will actually love me the right way. I know…a stupid thought. Deep down I know my worth, but I’m not sure why I can’t ever believe it.

My foundation and mascara were already done from this morning. Anthony and I had finished the day’s work of filming b-roll and interviews. It wasn’t the most exciting job, but we were glad to get away from the nine to five and travel.

I was finishing my eyeliner and blush when my phone lit up. It was Anthony.

“Hey. You wanna start heading out?”

I told him to give me ten and I headed outside to the rental car. I could smell the ocean air as I walked across the parking lot. He was already there, waiting for me, cigarette in hand. He was wearing a green hoodie and jeans and had his ball cap on—the Yankees one he always wears. It had been faded in spots, from what I’ve always guessed was because of sitting in the sun on his car’s dashboard.

I had the keys from when I went to the beach earlier, so he was waiting for me to unlock the car.

“You’re driving. I’m the passenger princess,” I said in our joking manner as I tossed him the keys. He looked down and chuckled as he opened the door. But I was serious. I was going to make him drive because deep down I know he prefers it anyway. We’ve driven together a lot. I trust him.

We picked up Anthony’s friend, Redd at his house. This was the second day I had met Redd. I could tell they were close, like the kind of friend you’ll always have no matter how much time between talking. Anthony and I joked about me liking him, but to me it was just another distraction. Anything to keep my mind from that knot in my chest.

San Diego. It was a good drive, but Redd said it was the place to be on Wednesdays. Goldfish races.

“Goldfish races?” Anthony and I looked at each other in confusion and laughed.

I made my way to the bar. I ordered a Sex on the Beach for myself and a Corona with lime for Anthony. I had liked doing things for him. What are friends for anyway?

I sat by myself along the bench in the corner. The buzz had been kicking in. My mind loosened as the beat of the music moved through my body. I bopped my head as I watched Redd drop a goldfish from a cup into a long container of water. Him and another girl blew into the water with straws, and the goldfish scurried to the other side. He won the first three races or so but lost the last one. Runner up.

“Interesting,” I thought. But I was already feeling the drunkenness take over. My mind didn’t question it. I smiled and laughed. It was funny to me.

I made eye contact with a few men in the bar, but my liquid confidence wasn’t strong enough yet for me to talk to any of them. Anthony came and sat next to me. We made small talk about little things that I can’t remember. He might’ve asked how I was doing. All I do remember is that I wasn’t sitting there alone anymore.

The music had taken over my body as the three of us danced in a group with strangers. A slow, steady ring in my ears drowned out the music for a moment. Tinnitus.

I was having fun. Nostalgic songs, party girl songs.

“My crazy side is coming out,” I thought to myself. I looked across from me: Anthony. The only familiar face.

“Body rock,” I watched him mouth the words to Beauty and a Beat by Justin Bieber. He was also letting loose.

“How did we get to this apartment?” was the next thought I had. “Where even are we?”

“Wine?” someone asked.

“Yes, absolutely,” I said. Nothing is rational right now.

More wine. Wine from the bottle. I finish the bottle.

His knee is touching mine…that’s new. But nothing makes sense right now, so it feels normal. Like this was something we had done before.

“Are you into her?” I texted Anthony about one of the girls we met that night. I had to know that what I was feeling wasn’t just me. How could something as small as a touch mean more?

“I’d probably kiss her but that’s it. Drunken mistakes,” he replied.

I thought, “Oh, I’m still drunk.” There was a warm feeling in my brain.

“Are you cold?” I asked him as I was already pulling the blanket from behind us and covering us both.

“Yeah, a little,” he answered.

We sat there next to each other, we were close. His pinky kept touching mine, they intertwined at one point. His skin was soft. I leaned my head on his shoulder before I inevitably fell asleep. The only thought as my eyes closed was, “I’m safe here.”

I opened my eyes as the sunlight was peeking through the blinds. The knot in my chest loosened as we laid there together. Him holding me in one arm, my head on his chest. I could feel his fingers tracing up and down along my arm.

I’m safe here.