HYMN TO AMNESIA

Bless you, good sir, I'll tell you this in a minute. No, I know it. Of course I do. I'll call home real quick, I just can't find my contacts. Where is it? I know my ID number. It should start with three. No, seven. Eight? What is the capital of Haiti? Because that's where I left off on the book, right? But she knows it's the third time I came to the room, looked for something, and left without taking anything. Here's my pencil case, yes, I just brought it here. And here's my phone, alright. Then what's missing? What else do I need?

No, Mrs. A., Gorky wasn't a populist. Why would you think something like that?

Is it Thursday today? Monday? No way! It's just that my hair doesn't look shiny as it should. I had written a stuff like that last summer. Or the summer before it. Well, it's not important anymore. He wouldn't even read it, would he? I'm trying to remember the last time I took a shower. Was it a boy? Really? I have a nephew? Wow, that's just... Wait, wait... No, it's a girl. Wasn't she born in the same month the Queen passed away? They should put that street lamp down. I can't see my Sirius properly.

They're old and ignorant; they don't understand a thing about AI.

I've watched this, right? That young military wife. Wait, play 10 seconds back. I don't know this abbreviation. Open a new tab. Okay, what is the meaning of... The meaning of... No, I won't go back to the video. It's only three letters to remember! DTS? GTS? I was wrong when I said ISC hasn't met with the government for ten years, by the way. It was in 2018. But maybe they met afterward, who knows? I don't need to wake up early tomorrow. I guess. I need to check my schedule again. Over and over again. Seaborgium, Bohrium, Hassium, Meitnerium... Darmstadtium? No, it should be Roentgenium. No, no, what is the number of Sg? 106, yes, then...

Oh, I didn't start the dishwasher, did I?

No, I have to wake up at 7 tomorrow. I have things to do. Columbus still waits on the coasts of Haiti. I hate him. Yes, I brushed my teeth. I never forget that. Or... Didn't I brush it? My mouth feels clean and fresh, so I must have brushed it. Right?

What am I doing here, standing beside the mirror? I wanted to know if St. Arthur was... Was a...

And did I really tell her that? When? Such an embarrassing moment... Should I call her? To what, ask and embarrass yourself again? No, it was probably a dream. Stop daydreaming for once. You never said that to her. Just nevermind. Forget it. Ha ha!

I'd write something else here, but I don't remember it right now. It's not understandable, I know. You live in that small skull of yours, and everything passes in front of you like nothing matters. People talk to you, you hear songs, their lyrics, melodies, you make promises, try to learn things... But no avail. They just pass in front of you. Dates, memories, knowledge, emotions, people, they all march along your brain as they occur, like a noisy parade. Then there's nothing. They don't come back.

It's no fun.

Because I'm not a 73-year-old hag. It's not how it's supposed to be. I meant to remember everything, because I'm young. I exist solely because of my memories, my past, my experience. They make up my personality. That's who I am, right? But I don't remember. I sometimes don't even know who this sound is talking and nagging inside my head.

No, I'm 23. I just forgot when I was born.

Hamdiye Etlan (she/her). Author of the book, "Do You Know What Columbus Has Gone Through?". Also a freelance writer from Turkey who mainly focuses on culture, environment and AI. Her new book can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0G59HC3N7 Her Substack can be found here: https://dykwchgt.substack.com/