I’LL PRAY FOR YOU

I sold luxury bathtubs to upper-class snobs. It was the first day of my business trip, and I was ready to negotiate a fat deal with a new client. I pressed the elevator button. The second hand on my favorite Rolex dragged at an uncomfortable crawl. Note to self. Ground floor from now on. I stepped onto the elevator. The glass opening from the 24th floor let me see all the way down.

I pressed the close button with my knuckle and squinted as the sharp morning sun reflected off the polished chrome. Right before the doors shut, a young man shot his arm through. He was clean cut, wore a white button-up shirt with black slacks, and was holding The Book of Mormon. Please don’t talk to me. Don’t even look at me.

We made eye contact. I gave him a polite nod and pulled out my phone.

Floor 20. Then 18. This elevator is slow. On the 16th floor, the elevator dropped, then screeched to a halt. My head slammed into the ceiling, and now I had a Mormon Missionary pinned on top of me. He smelled like cheap body spray covering up a week without a bath.

The buttons didn’t work. I tried forcing the doors open, with no success. The red emergency button connected me to the front desk. They already had a mechanic en route.

After about ten minutes of awkward small talk, the conversation drifted to his mission.

“I turn 19 next week,” Elder Pike said. “This is my first birthday away from home.”

I hesitated to share. “That’s about how old I was when my family left the Mormon church,” I said, trying to avoid reopening old wounds. “I’m a proud atheist now.”

“Sorry to hear your family left the church. Do you mind if I ask why?”

“Well… we’re stuck in here. I hope I don’t offend you, too much,” I said and sat down on the hard floor. A bead of sweat rolled down my back. I removed my jacket to cool off. Hot stale air and body odor church boy made the room feel smaller by the minute.

“You won’t offend me. I’ve heard it all.”

“Have you now?”

“The first thing I learned on my mission was to have thick skin. You simply cannot offend me.”

“Oh really?” I said, taking a deep breath while tightening my jaw. Getting stuck here felt exactly like being trapped back at home. “Well, long story short, my dad believed in the original Mormon church as it was founded. Not so much with where it’s going now.”

“What do you mean?” Pike said and leaned in.

The elevator door cracked open an inch, then shut. I heard a small drill and someone fumbling with wires.

“My dad wanted multiple wives like Joseph Smith and Brigham Young. My mom refused. So, naturally, he did it anyway. He… justified it with a passage from the Mormon canon.”

“Yeah, we don’t promote polygamy. At all. You should know this.”

“Well… that’s what the church told him. But he was stuck on quoting the exaltation ritual in Doctrine and Covenants 132.”

“I’m not familiar with that,” said Elder Pike as one eyebrow raised.

Three loud pounds from above. It sounded like footsteps.

“You can look it up when we get out of here. Verses 59 through 66 were what my dad used to justify his adultery. Basically, God gave Smith divine permission to have multiple wives.”

“Sorry to ask, but were you guys excommunicated or something?”

“Seriously, that’s your question?” I said and leaned back against the wall.

“I’m always curious why people leave the most correct church on Earth.”

Painful memories resurfaced. I don’t want to get into this with this little freak. “Well… after my mom divorced my dad, she left the church. Then my dad got excommunicated for pushing polygamy too hard.”

“That sounds right. Polygamy was something they did in the old days when God commanded it. Can I pray for you right now?”

I was already on edge, but that was the final straw. I became an atheist so I wouldn’t have to have these conversations again. It’s too hot in here to deal with this. Shoot me now.

“Let me ask you something. And please correct me if I’m off base, but I’m itching to know. How much money do I need to tithe to become a God and get my own planet to rule?”

Elder Pike’s head was stiff while his eyes darted around. “Seriously?”

“I mean… yeah! That’s what Smith believed. This was taught all the way up to the 1970s.”

“I’m going to respectfully disagree with your question.”

“You disagree with what Joseph Smith taught his followers?” I said, feeling overprepared.

“It’s more nuanced than that.”

“That’s literally what he preached!”

“Look, we can sit here all day disagreeing with each other, but the idea that you get your own planet is not something our modern-day prophet teaches.”

“So, you’re telling me I can’t get my own planet and 10 wives?”

“No, we don’t practice plural marriage.”

“Right, but if federal law didn’t ban it, you’re telling me y’all wouldn’t start up the practice again?”

“No.”

“Didn’t Joseph Smith and Brigham Young have like 50 wives each? Some as young as 14 years old?”

“That didn’t actually happen,” said Elder Pike, looking confident with his thick little skin. It sounded like he actually believed what he was saying.

“This is common knowledge. Not too hard to look up. They used the same verses my dad used to justify it.”

“You’re taking it out of context. You are way off base.”

“I’ll make you a deal. If you can tell me exactly how much it costs to buy multiple wives and my own planet, I’ll come back to the church.”

The elevator made a loud ding. The doors opened and closed, then started going down.

“I’ll pray for you.”

“And I’ll summon a demon for you.”

Joe Powers is a Navy veteran who operated nuclear reactors on a submarine. He has 15 years of experience in digital marketing, specializing in copywriting and SEO. When he’s not writing, he can be found watching sci-fi or listening to country music.