THE BIRTHDAY PURSE: A BEGIN AGAIN…AGAIN

$54.00. I instantly clicked Add to Cart. A Michael Kors smaller-sized purse. A perfect birthday present at a price that matched my budget and income.

She deserved so much more. Afterall, her birthday was in early November. But at the time, my budget and income didn’t work together. It’s not that I didn’t have enough $, it’s that I didn’t manage the money I did have well. A byproduct of living in chaos for several years, trying to raise 4 daughters on a teacher’s income. Paired with entering motherhood early at the age of 21, back before we were mandated to take Personal Finance in high school, I never learned that crucial skill set. Or, a better way to say it is that life happened so quickly with having 4 little girls within a 5 year span while pursuing and obtaining my Bachelor’s degree - there are a lot of adulting skills that never got fully developed, let alone matured.

No matter the job, no matter the season - my financial life was lived in reactionary mode. That often left me overdraft in my checking account, or struggling to keep groceries in the refrigerator, let alone food on the table.

And, to be fair to myself, there were those months when my electric and utility bills were $600 +, and that paired with $700 in rent on a teacher take home pay of $1500 monthly didn’t allow for any extra anything.

Over time, it’s no wonder I developed a sense of low self-worth. No matter what I did, it was never enough. The part-time jobs at the gas station, and summers spent working in factories helped, but the quality of life lived wasn’t bright and shiny. Eventually, it took its toll. I became a woman of depression and lived a sort of hollowed out existence.

The truth is, I wasn’t enough. I simply couldn’t be. And now it’s time to stop tormenting myself and move forward into my own begin again.

Fast forward to 2026. The year of the empty nest. The year I could afford Christmas, and Michael Kors purses for birthday presents.

4 daughters: 2 college degrees, and 2 currently enrolled in college. 2026 is the beginning of the bright and shiny.

The truth is, I may not have been enough back then, and that I may have lived in a hollowed existence of untreated depression for a large part of their teenage years — I was all that I could be at the time. I did what I could to ensure that they wouldn’t live my story, but rather carve out the God-placed dreams and God-paved paths that wouldn’t resemble the hard that I started at age 21, and laid to rest in 2025.

Our daughters don’t need perfection. They don’t need an endless amount of $. They simply need us to want-to-want to be their mom. To want them to do better and be better. To help them see the more of what is in their destiny and not settle for what’s in their right now easy.

In order to become that woman, all we have to do is to move forward. Daily, monthly, yearly, and moment by moment. They need us to take ownership of our failures and assure them that our failures aren’t their fault but rather a product of being a mom living her first time as a mom on this earth. There is no guidebook or how-to. The only resource we have is the bible and even then, we must make sure we don’t just read the words but have the guts to act them out.

We must be women who dare to choose their daughters rather than shacking up with a someone/anyone who becomes another Mr. Temporary to fill a slot in our lives for love and companionship. Our daughters need more in the 21st Century. They need us to be moms who can say “no”, “not yet”, “let me help you with this”, and the most important - “I’m really sorry this happened, I take ownership of how that affected you.”

In order to raise a generation of women who live the stories they’re supposed to, we have to be women they can look up to, be inspired by, and learn the how-to for life.

The truth is, I’ll never be enough, and I never was enough. But He is. By choosing to do the Mommin’ by listening to His gentle whisper along a very hard journey and digging into scripture to change myself and develop a relationship with the Holy Spirit, became the only way to even have a minimal chance at raising daughters knowing who they are and what makes up their identity. I had to get to know Him, and the byproduct is that each of the 4 know who they are individually.

When a female knows who she is, she can step into becoming her.

Let us, as females, do better by becoming better, as the younger generation of young ladies is watching us navigate this life no matter how many “begin agains” it takes. Just simply have the courage to begin.

I can’t wait to gift her the birthday present. It doesn’t matter it was on clearance. It doesn’t matter its brand name. What matters is that I had the guts to look at an area in my life that needed a level-up, so that I could live better within my means. By facing the truth and beginning, I was able to put myself in a position where I no longer live life reactively but rather with intentionality.

Let us all step into living life with intent. Living a life that daughters can benefit from and be proud of. Let us never stop trying to be better mothers. Let us always have the guts to take hard looks and begin … again.

Melissa Gray: As a proud mom of four amazing daughters, I've navigated the journey of motherhood, watching them chase their dreams and degrees. Now, alongside my slightly pudgy Corgi, Rupert, I’m embracing this new chapter as an empty nester, with a passion for teaching English and a newfound identity as a published author. My intent is to inspire other moms who may feel overwhelmed and as if they're not enough. Remember, your journey is unique, and you can raise strong daughters despite any flaws or fails. You can always begin again ... again. The important thing is to simply begin.