THE OCEANOGRAPHER

Harlo Bimb, the president of the Alpha Beta Lambda Sorority in Narraganset, Rhode Island, part of the University of Rhode Island, organized a nerd party at the sorority house. She told the sisters to invite nerds to the party, pretend that they liked them, and then turn on them. They lied to the vice president of the sorority, a do-gooder by the name of Chloe Tremblay, and told her the party was off.

Harlo Bimb herself, targeted a vision impaired graduate student in oceanography by the name of Harold Salt, to be her date to the nerd party. Harold had 20 800 vision, thick glasses, scraggy, orange hair, wore worn suits and ties, holy shoes, and loved only classical music and Led Zeppelin. He was not really a nerd, only perceived to be by Harlo.

At the nerd party, all the nerd dates were assembled and properly fawned over. Then, at just the right moment, Harlo blew a whistle and announced, “You are all a bunch of suckers. This is a nerd party. We just invited you because you are nerds. We don’t really like you. We are making fun of you! It’s just a practical joke. Ha ha!” And then all the sisters pulled out water pistols with cold colored water in it and started spraying the guests with abandon. There was pandemonium. The guests had been had.

Meanwhile, somebody had tipped off Chloe Tremblay that the nerd party was going on. She came to the rescue. She showed up with a cop who stopped the party and arrested Harlo Bimb. They charged her with disturbing the peace. Chloe then apologized to Harold Salt and other guests who had been drenched and were sore.

Later that week, Chloe happened to run into Harold on campus. “I’m still so sorry about the practical joke party,” she said. “It was not my idea. But I had to end it.”

“No problem,” said Harold. “It was all in good fun. Can I buy you lunch?”

“Of course,” said Chloe.

Over sandwiches in the student cafeteria, they began getting to know one another. Chloe found out that Harold was the son of a train engineer from Providence. And that he had fallen in love with the ocean on summer vacations to Block Island. Harold found out that Chloe was the daughter of an art dealer who had died of lung cancer when she was only 11. And that she was a music major with a specialization in voice. He also learned that her boyfriend was someone wealthy whose family had made a fortune in importing unfiltered cigarettes.

After lunch, Chloe thanked Harold and then went off to meet her boyfriend, a townie by the name of Zont Grud. She told Zont about Harold.

“Stay away from him,” said Zont. “He sounds like a nerd.”

“On the contrary,” said Chloe, “I want the three of us to go out on a date together. I want to date him also.”

They went out to the movies and dinner. Harold and Zont argued about who was the better person.

Zont was immensely successful because of how affluent he was.

Harold, though he lived off a modest stipend, was honorable also since he was an accomplished oceanographer. He was known for a paper called “The Harold Effect” – a theory about devastating ocean whirl pools that he said cropped up in the Bermuda Triangle and had caused ship wrecks.

On the way back to their apartments after the movies, they spotted an orphan male begging for change. He had a sign that read, “Orphan in need of money.”

Zont opened fire and started screaming at the kid. “Leave us alone you urchin. You are not our problem. Don’t harass us!”

Meanwhile, Harold who was kinder, gave the kid a twenty dollar bill. Chloe thus noticed the difference in character between her two boyfriends.

It turned out that Harold helped orphans in other ways also. He was a brother in the big brothers big sisters program with the local orphanage.

Alpha Beta Lambda was having an election for a new president. Chloe through her hat in the ring. Her opponent, Hariet Zlenc, was endorsed by Harlo Bimb, and at the debate for president, spoke thusly: “Ladies, fellow sisters of our great sorority. If elected I will maintain a course for our organization that includes throwing parties, practical joking, and having a good time!”

Said Chloe, “Ladies of our sorority. If elected, I will map out a new, better course for our organization that shall include having us do charity and not just have a good time. Just because we ladies are the prettiest sorority girls on campus – because of our entrance requirements – doesn’t mean we have to be the cruelest. We should pay back to society the blessings of our good looks with community service!”

There was thunderous applause.

And then the vote was taken. Chloe lost by only one vote. She and her followers were so fumed , however, they seceded from Alpha Beta Lambda and formed their own sorority, under Chloe’s leadership, they called, Alpha Delta Lambda. And they got their own house for it.

At Chloe’s senior recital, she sang Eidelweiss beautifully and she received bouquets of flowers from both Zont and Harold.

Later that week, Zont asked Chloe to marry him. And he tried to give her a diamond necklace, bracelet, and engagement ring. She refused to accept them. “I’m sorry,” said Chloe. “I don’t love you.”

“But I can offer you a life of freedom. Freedom from responsibility and nothing but pleasure,” insisted Zont.

“I love Harold more. He is more responsible than you. He is a greater human being than you.

He is contributing to society better than you.”

Later that week, Chloe proposed to Harold. He accepted and bought her an engagement ring.

At their wedding, Chloe sang, “To Know Him Is To Love Him”, “Come Softly To Me”, and “The Tide Is High.”

They lived happily ever after and had five kids. Harold became a well paid administrator/researcher at the Scripps Institute. And Chloe became a world famous singer.