THIS TIME

I felt myself get lifted down with you that day. Two souls in a casket, one body inside. They lowered you down as the choir sung your favorite song, the spirits in the air were uplifted in the tragedy. Not mine, mine was gone. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t sing, I couldn’t bring myself to look up from where your casket was.

As the cords raised and your casket stayed where it lay I collapsed to my knees. Suddenly my spirit filled my lungs with the sadness that had been suffocating where I stood. I screamed so loud the choir stopped. My sorrows drowned the celebration of your life. My tears were the nutrients for your soul to rise, part of me wanted to jump down with you. My life was nothing without you by my side.

                                                                                             ***

Your funeral was six months ago and I haven’t had a sober moment since. My mind watches my body spiral, picking up a bottle before rolling out of bed, smoking before functioning enough to make it out of my bedroom, and doing a line to stop me from feeling anything. I walk alongside myself, screaming at me to get over you, and all I do is drown it out my screams with the temptation in front of me.

I couldn’t be myself without you, I stopped looking in the mirror, stopped talking to people, slowly I disintegrated into an empty shell. Trapped in a lifeless body until I see you again.

                                                                                             ***

One night as I staggered the streets of the city on a cold November evening; that’s when I saw you. My breath blew past my red, dripping nose and my hands had long gone numb. I was violently rubbing my hands together, praying to find somewhere warm to hide until morning.

There you stood. A faint silhouette of who you once were, right in the middle of the street. A ghostly fog cast over a layer of ground where you stood. My mind ran to you in seconds, but my body stood in place.

“Max…’ your voice echoed in my ear like you stood behind me, yet I watched you stand still in front, waiting for me to make the first move.

“Lance- Lance!” I yelled, suddenly my body was sprinting towards you. No matter how close I felt, you only got further. I ran and ran, right down a dead end, “Lance! Where are you!” I screamed, jerking back and forth trying to find you again. My iced fist flies to the brick wall,l until my hands bleed. Warm blood ran down my knuckles coating my hands like a nice warm glove, bringing feeling back to my fingertips. My knuckles burn as the blood starts to freeze in real time down my hand in place.

“Max…!” I heard your voice again, this time further away, I chased your echo all night.

                                                                                               ***

I woke up the next day in an alley, a candy wrapper, that was definitely not mine, stuck to my face. My body ached, and my head pounded. The first night of your funeral, and I saw you already. My body started twitching as my stomach turned. I felt my body start to sweat as chills came up my spine, my stomach growled and my body trembled against the cold metal dumpster. “Find Rex…”

I jumped up, swinging behind me and stumbling from the force. Part of me felt like I was punishing myself for what happened to you, the other part of me felt like you were really behind me, guiding me again just like when we were kids.

“Okay. Here I come Rex” I muttered, stumbling out of the alley, the sun made my eyes squint. I wanted to tuck away back into the alley and disappear out of sight once and for all. But now you're back, and I had to find out why.

My stomach growled, I clenched it to silence the grumbles. I had no idea where I was going and every step caused my body to shut down faster. Finally after walking over a mile, my body collapsed on the sidewalk. I crawled myself to a corner and laid there. The cold cement was almost like a relaxing wave of freshness over my burning body.

“Get. Up!” Your voice boomed in my ears so loud I almost screamed. Every ounce of me tried to stand but it gave out miserably. I started clawing and dragging my way forward, couples and people out on their early afternoon strolls past me without a glance or a word. They probably just saw another strung out addict in their neighborhood.

They wouldn’t believe who I was before this, the star of the block, hope of the town. Lance and I were the only two kids in our town who expected anything to come of. Lance’s art was unmatched and my words were unspeakable. No one had talent like us, there was no better duo than us.

You were taken away from your talent, from your- our future. They took you from me, silenced me once and for all with a final stroke of death. A beautiful tragedy, a message for all that no matter how good, no matter how talented, all is forgotten and none is limited.

The sad part is, this world let you suffer. Made me watch, chained with invisible links that kept me from getting to you. Like some cruel joke on us and we could only let our sparks dim together. I was unrecognizable, my hair had fallen or was ripped out in chunks, bruises, scars and scraps covered from my neck down. I lost so much weight after you got sick, I don’t even own a pair of underwear that aren’t too big. The life left me the day you left, yet this soulless body keeps fighting. Fighting to survive, fighting to find its next fix, and fighting to find you again.

                                                                                                  ***

My body started to shut down and slowly I couldn’t even pull myself forward anymore. I kept hearing your ‘get up’ in my head but my body trembled and twitched and eventually I lay there stuck as time grew later and the day got colder. I threw up acid, trying not to choke on my own vomit.

“Max?” An unfamiliar voice called for me, I closed my eyes expecting to see the light, you waiting for me on the other side.

Instead I was awakened by the sound of beeps and an alarm. My eyes fluttered open, I sat up swiftly, I lay in a bed in someone’s living room. Hooked up to an IV-drip and a monitor, my chills were gone and my body no longer trembled. A tall, skinny young man emerged from a hall and shut the alarm. His scrubs pressed clean like they just wore them. “Oh perfect you are awake,” he said with a smile.

“Where am I?” I asked, I tried to stand but quickly realized I was strapped down to the bed. The young man didn’t answer, instead he turned and walked out the same way he entered. “Hey. Hey!” I called out for him, pulling on my restraints.

A slightly older gentleman appeared, his hair a salt and pepper grey but his beard full color. “Max, so good to meet you,” his calming voice made something in my mind relax, suddenly I was entranced by this human. Like I had to know more.

“Oh my god…Rex?” I asked, a warm smile spread across his face with a gentle nod. He took a stand next to me and checked my needles. “What am I doing here?”

“Lance told me great things about you. I’m simply here to grant you your wish.” he said as he grabbed my IV bag.

“My wish?” I asked.

“Yes my child, to be with Lance. One and for all.” he said calmly.

“Wait!” I shook my head, “Why now? What’s going on.” I asked.

Rex stares down at me, a troubled expression of hesitancy on his face. Suddenly a cold chill enters the room, I screw my eyes shut tight, I feel you here.

I felt your touch on my shoulders, like you're telling me this is okay, I thought you wanted me here. With everyone, to show them what we had, to not let your memory die in vain…

But that’s exactly what I was doing. The last six months I destroyed myself hoping it would bring you back. Instead of honoring you, I desecrated our names, and disrespected our legacy. If I died right now- If I join you, that’s how we’ll be remembered. Not by the good and beautiful we did…but the little time I took to destroy it.

“No!” a sudden strength took over and I pulled myself out of the restraints, shakily jumping off the bed. “I can’t. I can’t go with him yet…I’m not ready. I-I I’m not ready” I repeated. Convincing not only Rex but myself of the words that were leaving my lips.

I couldn’t believe the words I said or the strength that I had. As I ran from Rex’s house, past the alley and past the cemetery a breath of life breathed into me. My soul returned, my body was reborn and work had to be done. I’ll be with you soon, but until then. Next time my friend…

Kayla Villanueva is a full-time creative writing student and author of the young adult novel We’ll Be Okay. Her piece This Time explores the voice and grief of losing a loved one while battling one’s inner struggles. Kayla brings adaptability, curiosity, and emotional depth to every project, continuing to develop her voice and connect with fellow writers through creative collaboration.