WHY AM I LIKE THIS?

Often, I wonder why I feel so sad in my life. I grew up in a happy family centered around Christ, with many good friends and I felt like I belonged. Although, as time went by, I started to become insecure. I was insecure about my body, personality, talent, and faith. I felt I was only average and had to measure up to a standard I set for myself which always seemed achievable, but when I continued to drift further and further from this standard, my confidence lowered. Growing up I was self-diagnosed with generalized anxiety, because I showed similar symptoms to my sister. So, anytime I brought up a worry I was told it was just my anxiety, and I was worrying about things too much. Which, yes, I was worrying too much, but I didn’t seek help from a therapist until I turned 12 and my anxiety kept me up at night. This therapy only lasted a couple of weeks until I felt that I was in no need of therapy anymore. So, untreated I continued worrying.

I have always worried. I worry about friends. I worry about my academic success. I worry that I will never get married. I worry that I won’t be able to support myself financially in the future. All these worries cause me to seek solutions, so I push myself to achieve what seems unachievable. When it comes to my grades, I push myself for straight A’s without room for error. When a different grade appears with several missing assignments, I start to stress myself out. My mind races as I try to organize my workload. I stress so much to the point that I lose any motivation to do work and want to simply avoid the issue for as long as possible. I then come home from school, exhausted mentally and sleep for hours. This obviously causes me more stress due to the continuous buildup of assignments. This procrastination has been the cause of several cry sessions. These tears about stress then lead to a binge homework session to catch up on all my work. But of course, I can’t simply be perfect academically, I must be perfect in extracurriculars and excel in everything I do.

One experience I had with this was just recently during solo/ensemble. I love to sing and perform. But again, I hold myself to such a high standard that my anxiety causes me to beat myself anytime my nerves affect my performance. I don’t know exactly why I get nervous either. I have taken several lessons to improve my vocal quality, and I know I’m a good singer. Although, if anyone is remotely better than I am shows up, I begin to doubt my abilities, which I suppose is what causes my nerves. But either way my nerves have always been something which I beat myself up for. I tell myself things like, “If only you weren’t so nervous you’d be amazing!” or “Why can’t you just pull yourself together?” During solo/ensemble I had confidence, yet my nerves appeared during my performance, and I got a low score from the judges. I beat myself up for weeks…I still do. That score affected my confidence to try for sterling scholar next year due to all those who received higher scores and made state. In choir, I never get solos due to my nerves. My nerves affect my performance which lowers any confidence I ever had to perform. I showed my dad one of my performances and he then goes to tell me, “Do you want me to honest?” which is already a sign he is going to criticize, “Your nerves affected your performance.” Hearing that from my father, who excelled greatly in vocal performance in his high school and college career, caused me to beat even harder upon myself for simply not getting it right. Even though I understand he meant well, and I asked for his opinion, it still hurts because that is the biggest insecurity I have when it comes to my vocal ability. It was simple, but it hurt.

Not only do I have low confidence in my abilities, but I also have low self-esteem. Ever since I can remember I have had problems with my weight and looks. I was always bigger than the girls I hung out with. I had a face which I found unattractive compared to others. These comparisons caused several mental breakdowns at home. Knowing that if I wanted to change, I would need to cut back on food and workout more often for months, something I felt I simply didn’t have time to do. I would then complain about how my friends could eat whatever they wanted and stay skinny. I would cry for hours until we found a solution. In 6th grade I started counting calories. This would then stop, and I would try again next year. Today I have started counting calories again. I have come to realize that if I want to lose weight, I must put forth a LOT of work. So, I am restricting to 1230 calories a day to jumpstart my weight loss journey. I have also started running, which my knees don’t like, but it’s starting to feel better and I’m seeing improvements. Although, I haven’t lost any weight yet and there is still a lot of work to do. I have also never liked my face. I hate my hair, it has become damaged and short, my eyes are droopy, and I have too big of a smile. I have so many insecurities that choosing clothes and getting ready for the day often takes an hour or two until I feel remotely pretty. My self-esteem is low and it’s caused a lot of emotional problems in my life.

To add to this emotional daily struggle of confidence, I am awkward, and I dislike my personality. I have friends that care greatly about me, but I still think about every conversation, hoping to say the right thing to make someone smile. I recently realized how often I speak of myself to people and have started trying to talk about others and their experiences. I noticed that I’m awkward, so I watch TED talks to learn how to improve. I dread going to school sometimes because I know that I won’t feel wanted within a group due to my personality. In theatre I would try for months to make friends and I still would sit alone at gatherings. Although, I don’t want anyone to think I don’t have great friends. I do have friends that care about me and check up on me and are kind. But there are some people who I thought cared and then I would sense a dislike as they would avoid conversation. I understand this is likely all me overthinking things, but to see someone ignoring me and only me, or always being defensive about any topic I choose to talk about causes me to worry that I am doing something wrong. So, I go home and cry about it, then brainstorm ways to change: stop talking so much, talk about them, be less enthusiastic, learn to be witty, be funnier, etc. I tend to believe I will never become the “fun friend” or the person that people think about first to hang out with. These beliefs cause my confidence to lower significantly.

So, when I wonder why I’m so sad, its likely due to such a low appreciation of who I am. I have seen so many negatives within myself that cause deep sadness. Although I understand that most of these beliefs aren’t true, it will take years of work to truly be happy again. I’ve come to the realization that it won’t change overnight, so each day I’m finding a new way to improve my confidence. I’m also actively trying to improve my relationship with Christ, so that when I am at my all-time low, I will have someone to turn to who understands and loves me for the way I am. I, Laurie Blair, am a flawed person who is just trying to love myself and improve my confidence.

Laurie Blair has recently embraced writing as a means of emotional expression. Laurie is a Junior in high school who loves expression through music and theatre. Laurie is a devoted member of the Church of Jesus Chist of Latter Day Saints and seeks to show love and comfort through sharing her trials and deep emotions. Laurie is currently planning to go to school for education and journalism in hopes to inspire many more people in the future.